App for the New Age

Sifting through the cultural flotsam of the past year, the friary came across a novel software that could revitalize the nonreligious spiritual community.

Available for Android devices, the user-friendly program called Sky Map is being touted by New Agers as the latest tool to carry the Piscean Age to its crest and usher in the Aquarian era. The application developed by Google is a basic interactive starmap that lets users gaze at the heavenly bodies and flick through layers of constellations. It functions basically as a virtual galactic viewfinder by leveraging the device’s internal compass and accelerometer. Point the tablet up and see the stellar chart any time of the day, point down and peek right through Earth and glimpse what people on the opposite side of the globe are seeing.

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"It is a digital telescope,” said the Purest Joy. “Wherever you point the tablet at, the screen displays the corresponding star field.”

“Nifty,” I said, “But just what is this thing good for?”

“Open your mind, my child,” the master enthused. “Take the tablet and this package, meditate on them.

The Enlightened One handed me a moldy tome, smiled, and retired to the inner chamber. “Power to the people,” he bellowed inside the holy room.

I opened the book and muttered under my breath, “Linda Goodman’s Love Signs.”

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Visiting a few New Age stragglers in my neighborhood, I found out that Google’s Sky Map could be an empowering tool. The program allows users to construct portents of their own. 

According to a horoscope columnist, one has to simply click the widget, note the present locations of heavenly bodies and superimpose the findings with the astrological charts found all over the Internet. 

I accessed the application and was delighted to see the magnificence of the heavens laid out upon my hands. I searched for my zodiac sign and found several planets hovering near my constellation.  I started constructing my fate based on the notes given me.

According to my source, the celestial bodies are the sole dynamic components in astrology. They can liven up the zodiac signs by generating activity. This is because most astrologers believe that the planets are mirrors of basic organizing principles in the universe and that they reflect the ebb and flow of basic human impulses.  Others say that, similar with other corporeal objects, these massive cosmic matters exert their influence directly through gravitational or other Newtonian physical force.

Planet	Characteristic/areas	Duration
Sun	basic drive, self-identity, ego	1 year
Moon	emotions, longing, memory, maternal instincts	1 month
Mercury	curiosity, communication, transportation, education	1 year
Venus	affection, relationship skills, social values	1 year
Mars	aggression	2 years
Jupiter	luck, philosophy	12 years
Saturn	duty, responsibility, organizational skills	29 years
Uranus	contemplation, rebellion, individuality	84 years
Neptune	fantasy, dreams, visions	164 years
Pluto	catharsis, destiny, power	248 years

The table above shows what forces the planets bring and how long their influences last.  

Next is to match the zodiac and the planetary positions to the astrological houses. Finding the sequence of the houses, I was told, is easy. The next table lists them and the areas in your life that destiny is going to meddle with. Also, there are various websites that will do the calculations for free. Once they are set in order, the interpretation would be easy as ABC. One can go analog, loony or malicious—the stars wouldn't mind.

House	Areas
First (birth sign)	identity, self-projection, physical characteristics, temperament
Second	money, material assets, and attitude towards emotional/financial security
Third	communication, transportation; siblings, cousins and neighbors
Fourth	home, hearth, family, beginnings and endings
Fifth	creative self-expression, pleasures, risks, children, flings
Sixth	health, well-being, pets, daily routine
Seventh	love, marriage, business partnership, networking, alliances
Eighth	rebirth and regeneration, sex, insurance, taxes, death
Ninth	long-distance travel, higher education, new endeavors
Tenth	ambition, career, reputation and status
Eleventh	hopes, wishes, dreams
Twelfth	the psyche and spirituality, secrets, blind spots

One more thing, since the formulation of the astrological system is Earth-centric, some planets will seem to travel backward in the sky. This movement is called retrograde and its effect is a feeble suppression of spontaneous energies.

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“A what?” Brother Juan scratched his beard.

“A mercury retrograde is due in the next few days.”

“So?”

“It means don’t buy that new iPad?

“No. I mean, what’s the futility of your research?”

“To please the Purest Joy,” I whispered. “I ain’t even sure it’s accurate.”

“Oh brother, you’re way off again,” he said. “So what’s your reading today?”

“Nada, I still haven’t factored in the 13th sign.”

“Which one?”

“Ophuckus.”